A guy at work today asked me why I never let him open the door for me. I hadn't really thought that much about it but there often is an awkward moment at doors when I'm walking with other people. I told him it had something to do with wanting to be self-reliant and it wasn't personal. Just cuz I'm a girl doesn't make me entitled to door openers.
This morning I just felt like celebrating freedom and independence. It's amazing when you hit a stride where you feel like you've caught wind. I started riding my bike again and remembered how much I love it. I went 10 miles on Saturday and 10 miles last night. Rode down to Zipps at Camelback & Miller, ate a burger, drank a beer, and rode home. It was beautiful out and I had complete freewill to do whatever I wanted.
I was somewhat immobilized in alot of ways the past few years. I felt like my ex was weighing me down, then I broke that off and too quickly caught wind, made some wrong choices and felt immobilized by fear of doing something wrong and feeling that alone again. I retrained myself on responsible drinking and decisions and now I feel like I've put that behind me. In Dec right before I broke my foot, I was feeling great... I had put alot of effort into retraining myself and felt like I was on the verge of getting it right-- I was in the best shape of my life, had realized that I could look pretty and feel good about myself, and I felt good about my position in my career. Work is one place that I have confidence... I tend to do a good job cuz I work hard. So anyway... when I broke my foot I felt like I had lost both my legs. The wind slowed to standstill and I was afraid I was going to lose everything I had been working for and I started to feel majorly insecure.
Today I woke up and I was happy. I feel like I've gotten my legs back and I've caught wind again. Just a few days ago I made the decision to keep renting, which somehow gives me relief because I can still dream that I could quit my job whenever I want and run off to a faraway land. But ya know, no matter how self-reliant and happy I am, I am always in need of good friends and people to share my life with. The ideal situation is to be happy with other happy people. Not happy and alone or unhappy alone or even unhappy with other people.
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